The Devil Says Hi

It was 2am, on a cold autumn night, when I first met the Devil. Earlier that evening, I stopped at a gas station to fill up, when I noticed an ex-lover in a car with her new man. They looked so happy, laughing and touching. I quickly drove off before I could be noticed. I spent the rest of the night obsessing, wondering if I was right to have let her go, to let any of them go. I second-guessed every choice I had ever made, and couldn’t help but feel that I was destined to always choose poorly. I tried to reassure myself that it was all in my head; I had a lot of good things in my life, so obviously, not all my choices sucked. I figured I’d call it a night, and start tomorrow anew, but once in my bed I just tossed and turned. My mind would not stop racing. I got up, looking for something to eat, but all I had was cold hard-boiled eggs, and that was not going to hack it. I put on my socks and shoes and my jacket, then I went out looking for some grub.

I found a diner still open. The place was empty, a waitress named Alice greeted me with a forced smile and way too much eye-liner. She sat me at a booth and I ordered a coffee, it’s not like I was going to sleep anyway. With the menu before me, I became lost in my thoughts once again. Overwhelmed with sadness, and feeling lost. I felt a tap on my shoulder, and turned expecting the waitress, but instead saw a man who was way too awake, way too happy for this time of night.

“Hello, friend! I couldn’t help but see that it’s just you and me, mind if I help you occupy this seat?”

His smile was so big, I couldn’t refuse him. He sat down and took off his hat. He looked like Don Draper from Mad Men, or otherwise from the 50’s. A well-tailored grey suit and a matching fedora. Slick black hair with just enough grey to give him character.

“So tell me, friend, how goes your night? Why up so late, out for a bite?”

I smiled just a bit at the silliness of his words. “I just couldn’t sleep, nothing at home to eat, so why not?”, I said. He was staring at his menu, eyes squinted as if he’d forgotten his glasses. His eyebrows raised, as if he’d found what he wanted, then he placed the menu back down.

“Yes, hard-boiled eggs are fine, but there’s finer. I really am glad that I chose this diner.”

My back tightened up and my posture straightened. How did he know about the eggs? “Eggs?”, I questioned.

“Yes, eggs, they come with my meal. But I think I’ll just ask for a side of oatmeal.”

I sighed and smirked. How paranoid am I? Alice hadn’t shown up with my coffee yet. I looked around, tilting around to be as obvious as possible that I was becoming impatient, but she was nowhere to be seen.

“Service, so late, with nobody here, you’d think it’d be great.”

I turned back, starting to get frustrated. “What’s with the rhyming?”, I asked. He tilted his head, as if not sure what I was talking about. “The rhyming, you rhyme all your sentences!”, I snipped.

“No need to yell, that’s quite absurd! But fine, I will tell you why I rhyme my words. I’ve been on this world a bit longer than you, and in that fair time I’ve learned things you must do. Stand out from the crowd, speak not softly, nor loud, and do all that you can to be remembered somehow. If I sing when I speak, well then, that’s quite unique. Hence, my words will arrive where I want them to reach.”

“Dude, no offense, but are you ok?”, I nervously joked. I scanned again for the waitress.

“What is it you seek?”

“The waitress!”, I replied. Wasn’t that obvious?

“No, David, what is it you seek deep inside?”

My body seized up. I couldn’t move. I never told him my name. How did he know? I slowly turned to face him; fear gripping my insides. “Who.. told you my name? Who are you??”, the words barely came out.

“Come now, Dave, try to be brave. Your life I am here not to hurt, but to save.”

Fear turning to rage, I slammed my hands on the table, “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU??!” He just sat there, with a smile that was no longer pleasant. The fluorescent lights in the diner started to buzz and flicker. Half of them went off completely, and the diner looked like something I’d seen in horror movies. My blood ran cold, and my lips mouthed the words, “the.. devil.”

“If that’s what you must call me to accept what you see, well then, you will get no fighting from me. Now then, where were we?”

“What do you want?”, I sheepishly asked.

“Ah, yes! Exactly, my thanks. What should I do for your life to advance?”

“I.. I don’t understand,” not that anything would have made sense to me at that moment. I mean, c’mon, it’s the Devil in a darkened diner!

“David, please, I’m here as a friend; I want to find a way for your torment to end. Tell me what it is that you want for your life. Is it a new car, or a beautiful wife? Perhaps some children of your very own, and a big, spacious house you can call a home? Just say what you want and I’ll make it be, you’ll get nothing but goodness from a friend like me.”

“But.. you’re the devil! I didn’t believe in you twenty minutes ago, but I’m sure not going to give you my soul now!”, I defied.

“You people have no clue of what really happens, you all think I’m here with some sort of.. entrapment. Think of me as a genie, you’ve nothing to lose; your life will be granted, as always, what you choose.”

“So you don’t want my soul? ..what’s in it for you?”, I pondered, feeling an unexpected sense of calm.

“I can’t tell you all that there is to know, just know with no doubt that I’m friend and not foe. I’ve only one option, and that is to give, for it is by giving that I’m allowed to live.”

He still wore his smile, it never left his face. I couldn’t believe that this was the devil those crazy bible-thumpers always went on about. This guy didn’t seem evil, sans the darkened diner and whatnot. His words were soothing, and he seemed to genuinely care about me. He wasn’t asking for anything in return, he just wanted to give me something.. for nothing. For nothing? Would he die if I refused him? Would he hurt me if I refused him? Why would I refuse him? I’d have my own genie! Here’s my chance to finally do something good. I no longer felt fear, it was replaced with excitement. So many things I could ask for!

“David, friend.. tell me, have you made a choice? Whatever you’ve chosen will surely make me rejoice.”

“It’s not exactly the easiest thing, to pick out of anything. But yes, I think I know what I want. I just want the world to be a better place, for everyone.”, I modestly answered. It felt good to not focus on myself, to use this opportunity to make the world a better place for everyone. How awesome am I?

“Are you sure, dear David? THAT is your thing? Wouldn’t you rather have diamonds or platinum rings? How about your ex-girlfriend, I could bring her right back. Are you sure that you wouldn’t rather have that?”

“No, sir. I’ve made lots of bad choices, here’s my chance to choose right. I choose for everyone, not for me, not tonight.” He smirked at me, and I smirked back. It was silly, I know, but I felt cocky. He reached over and placed his hand on mine, the lights came back on, and Alice showed up with the coffee. “Oh! I didn’t know you were expecting a guest. What can I get you to drink?”, she asked my new friend.

“Nothing for me, thanks; there’s nothing I need. I have what I came for, so now I must leave.”

He stood up and put on his hat. He slid his finger across the brim as he caught his reflection in a window. Still smiling, he turned and gave me a wink before heading out the door. I stared at my coffee, feeling happy and proud. I heard the door close behind him, then suddenly bust open again. Perhaps he’d forgotten something? I looked up and two masked men had burst into the diner. They were armed, one went for Alice, knocking her towards the ground. I instinctively leapt out of my seat to help her when I heard a loud pop. I couldn’t breath and I collapsed to the floor. The men started yelling at each other, then they ran out. I could see Alice, she was fine. She rubbed her head, then noticed me and crawled over. I felt warm. She was sobbing, her makeup a mess. Someone needs to teach her how to put on makeup.

At first I heard sirens, then everything went bright. I had only one comfort, that I finally chose right.

The Uninvited Guest

The year is over, yet this bad comedy continues.

The new year approaches, and the time has come for change. It is my wish that this new year brings you many blessings, that you never feel sorrow, and that all your dreams come to be. I must let you go.

I cannot continue to write for, or about you. I must stop trying to understand why you do what you do. I must take the pain I feel and bury it deep enough that even I cannot find it again. Enough is enough.

My name is Skid Vis. That is who I am. I am strength. I set fire to the worlds of those I touch. I inspire action. I am more than my feelings, my memories, and my pain. This is my purpose.

Today, I will feel. I will focus on the joy you’ve given me. I will focus on the loss. I will remember you for the amazing angel you are. I will smile. I will try to imagine the world you wanted, and suppress all the fears that live in that world. I will feel the flames consume my flesh, as the pain wraps itself around my very being. Tomorrow, I will rise.

I will leave the ashes behind me, and set for the skies. I will shine like I’ve never shone before. I will set the world ablaze, or I will die trying.

You are my heart. You are my hope. You are freedom.

Your life will be wonderful, and everything will be just fine. You’ll smile often, cry rarely, and think of me even less. Our memories will come, now and again, and they’ll pass through you like a ghost. For a second, you’ll feel me, and even sooner, you’ll let me go. I will fade into the abyss of the past, and your joys will fill your life with meaning. This is my dream.

I will miss us. I will think of you. I will adapt.

My days are numbered, like it or not. Change is inevitable. I must stop this game and give this life a go. The pieces aren’t falling how I imagined, so I must snatch them from the air and put them in their place. I will no longer be an observer. The time has come to make things gooder.

I will win. I will exist. I will matter.

I’m Skid Vis, and I do what I want.

go fish

look at the goldfish in the bowl
poor little goldfish has no soul
he doesn’t think about tomorrow
for him, the past, it brings no sorrow
he lives right now, just in the moment
his thoughts and memories bring no torment
he’s happy as a fish could be
for he knows not of destiny

he has no one looking up to him
he has no friends who see his sins
he does not care of days to come
he enjoys now and has his fun

were it that we were goldfish too
that we could live like goldfish do
without a worry, without a care
and caring not about what’s fair

alas we humans have much to ponder
we let our minds and feelings wander
but we should take a look around us
be well aware of what surrounds us
we do not live alone, you see
we have our friends and family
we have eyes looking to see
if we are who they want to be

no, we don’t live this life alone
and for our acts we must atone
remember, if it’s not apparent
we’re someone’s child, or someone’s parent
we’re someone’s life, or someone’s love
and there’s no greater task above
controlling what one thinks and does.

a week pulse

I’m dying.

Your name echoes through my veins, ever fainter, like a passing marching band.
Each breath that escapes reaches in to pull out the next. Soon, I will be vacant.
My life begins to flash before my eyes, and I’m presented with all the memories of yesterday.
This life has definitely been turbulent, but the sun always rose, and the birds always sang.
Now, the sun sets and the sky is filled with such beautiful colors.
A parting gift from the great provider of hugs.
Alas, the cold is setting in, and I’ve become aware of how little time I have left.

I fast forward through the memories of the past, there’s a certain scene I’m looking for.
The memory of your touch, the look of your gentle eyes peering up at me as I close in for a kiss.
The time when our bodies were entangled, barely providing a semblance to our entangled souls.

The end draws near and I’m even colder yet. Still, my lips carry a smile.
I have rolled my stone up this mountain for so long, and I always questioned the purpose.
The answer is now so vividly clear. I met you.
Every step in my life was leading me to you, and I finally arrived.
I was greeted by your embrace, and the weight was lifted from my aching bones.
It was the best moment of my existence, and I will leave with a smile.
You’re gone now, and the stone rolls down the mountain, ever increasing in speed.

I’m cold, as I lay here staring at the fresh crop of stars that have filled the night sky.
My cheek is wet, as a tear escapes me for the very last time.
There’s silence, as I drift away to the fading beat of your name.
I will ache for you, but I will never regret you.
I will leave you, but I will never abandon you.
I will release you, but I will never let you go.
You have shown me a good day in life, but now, it’s a good knight to die.
Good bye.

“I can feel your heartbeat through my shirt. This was all I wanted, all I want.” – Just Say Yes, Snow Patrol

Sines of Love

My mind is like a carousel.

Yesterday, it revolved quickly and I was blasted with opposing flashes of thought. Much like the flower-plucking “She loves me, she loves me not” game we’ve all played, my mind worked overtime to try and convince me of reasons to fight for my love, and reasons to run for my life. If you can imagine being on a fast-moving carousel for an extended amount of time, you can begin to imagine my displeasure. It was disorienting, painful, agitating, and I really wanted it to stop. I found myself reaching out, trying to grab on to anything or anyone I could, but nothing helped. It was a low point, like the many I’ve had for the last few weeks, each one feeling worse than the last.

Today, I awoke to clear, sunny skies and a new mindset. The carousel seems to have stopped and has been replaced with a room full of mirrors. I’m left looking at myself, remembering all the great qualities I possess. I know I’m flawed, I won’t argue that, but I also know that I possess a sliver of greatness. I’m a good person, and for the right person, I can stop the world. Today I’m riding a high, and that’s just as dangerous as a low. In both peaks, I’m likely to say or do something rash. In a low, I may show up at her house at 3am, begging and pleading for an ounce of her time. In a high, I may make her feel like she doesn’t matter. I may become so self-centered, that I actually start to ignore my love for her and start to disregard any feelings which she may have. A move that would surely push her further and further away.

These waves are so very dangerous. It is the tightrope that we all must walk at the edge of a relationship. I have to remind myself of my three relationship rules: Never stop dating. Relationships are a privilege, not a right. Everyone leaves, appreciate them while you can. As long as I keep those things in my heart, and at the forefront of my mind, I can try to focus on not making the wrong moves. I can let time help the pieces fall into order. I can only hope that, despite having provided some moments of pain, the good in me and the good of me are enough to make her see that my love in indeed true, and that she deserves her rewards.

Until then, my kisses will remain loaded. My snuggles will be reserved. My love will remain safe in a box, wrapped with a beautiful bow, waiting for the day you unwrap it and decide that we can ride the waves together.

 

Lost Ends

I’m eating chocolate pudding and the credits just rolled on my last episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I’m kinda bummed out because now I don’t know what else I can watch tonight. I’m hurting, I’m worried, and I’m imagining myself as a ball of yarn.  A ball of yarn with no beginning and no end, no clear view of what’s inside, just a big, mangled mess. A mess that’s taken a long time to form, with lots of twists and turns.

That’s how I feel. I don’t know how I got here. I’ve lived a hard life, I overcame lots of obstacles, but I always looked forward to living. I was optimistic and driven, I vowed to push through all I felt and one day shine like the sun. I must have taken a wrong turn along the way. There was a time when looking behind meant that I’d be standing in a good place, reflecting on the bad. Today, it’s quite the opposite. Today I’m cursing the day I decided to start protecting myself.

I’m homeless. I’m a ball of yarn that’s been left out in the rain. I’m soggy and soaked, and any chance of unraveling me has long since disappeared. My own hand, my own ego, my own fears have led me here. I had a home. I had a chance. I protected myself because I didn’t want to feel pain, yet here I am.. rotting in the rain.

The perfect seamstress saw me outside, laying in the grass on a beautiful sunny day. She grabbed me, tried to unravel me and use me to make a beautiful dress. A dress that would hug every inch of her beautiful curves, but every attempt to unravel me ended with her discovering more and more knots. She kept trying, but I did knot. I was afraid. I was so accustomed to being a ball that I could not fathom being unraveled. It was only a matter of time before she would give up on this old ball of cotton and seek out finer silk.

I miss her delicate hands, tirelessly and gently pulling at my loose ends, trying to set me free from myself. I miss the sparkle in her eyes as she imagined the wonderful uses for my bright colors. Now, I’m still knotted up, only out in the rain, and my colors bleed away into the drain.

I hope the sun comes out soon. I hope she sees me again, with colors faded, and still finds value in my thread. I hope she picks me up and weaves me into something pretty, something she can wrap around herself so that I may keep her warm. I want to envelope her with every inch of myself. I would never let her go. She would love me and show me off to all her friends. People would ask her if they could buy me, but she wouldn’t even think about it. She’d know how hard she worked to unravel me. She’d know that her efforts were not in vain, and she would cherish me forever.

I wish so much that she would have me, because, right now, I have knots.

The Humpty Dance

Sometimes we fall from someplace tall, sometimes we just end up feeling it all.

We hit the ground hard and we shatter to pieces, and we feel like the whole world is watching and sees us.

We feel like we’ll never ever be whole again; not with all the king’s horses, nor all the king’s men.

We lay there destroyed, broken, and defeated; but that’s just bound to happen if the warnings aren’t heeded.

Though it all may seem hopeless, though it seems like the end, if you just give it time you’ll be better again.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe this is true, but right at this moment there’s nothing else I can do.

I’ll just sing out loud, while thinking of you, and try to hold the pieces together with glue.

 

All Right Now

Right now, I’m thinking about how much I miss you.

Right now, We should be one, not two.

Right now, I remember when your day was mine, and mine was yours.

Right now, I remember when this all was pure.

Right now, I’m thinking of the taste of your lips.

Right now, I’d love to feel the curve of your hips.

Right now, I’m trying to picture your smile.

Right now, I’d love to drive your body wild.

Right now, I’m hoping you still think of me.

Right now, I’d love to share a cup of tea.

Right now, I know there’s no chance I’ll let you go.

Right now, I hope you know I Love you so.

Right now, I wish I knew how I could get to you.

Right now, I wish that my life had an Undo.

Right now, I just want to run so far away.

Right now, I know that I can’t be away from you one day.

Right now, I feel like such a fool.

Right now, I don’t know what else I can do.

Right now, I want to bring you so much joy.

Right now, I wish I was your shiny new toy.

Right now, I’m holding back the tears in my eyes.

Right now, I wish we weren’t living separate lives.

Right now, I wish I had a place to call home.

Right now, I feel so very alone.

Right now, You need to know how much you mean to me.

Right now, I need to mean that much to you.

Right now, the world doesn’t make any sense.

Right now, I’d get you back at any expense.

Right now, I want to hear you laugh again.

Right now, The fight for you I want to win.

Right now, I want to hug you very tight.

Right now, I want to know it’s all alright.

For the winks

I finally caught some Zs last night! Yes, caught some Zs, you heard me right.

I did not sleep through the whole night, but I slept and dreamed, so it’s alright.

I’ve never had much trouble sleeping, but lately, my mind, it won’t stop speaking.

I think I’ve discovered a little trick. A ruse for my own mind, cuz I am so slick.

My heart, yes, it suffers, I’m still in great pain; but now for my mind I’ve devised a new game.

My mind is my own, I tell it what to do. I am the owner of the beasts in my zoo.

While I’m awake it can mourn and debate, but it has no damn right to keep me up late!

I’m in control of this castle I keep, so when I lay down it should get the fuck to sleep!

Pretty, the dragon with the crimson red eyes.

Pretty, the dragon with the emerald eyes.

Pretty, the dragon who’s up in the skies.

Pretty, yes Pretty, that’s where the key lies.

day dream

Today was such a wonderful day, I got to dream while I was awake.

See, it’s been a while since I’ve gotten rest; I’ve tried to sleep, I’ve tried my best.

When I close my eyes, I see her face. When I rest my mind, it starts to race.

It sees the future, it sees the past, it finds my weakness, and starts to laugh.

I’m mocked and tortured, I’m trapped and scared, I’m sad and lonely, and it’s not fair.

At least today, at least for minutes, I lived a dream, and she was in it.

We joked and laughed, we dined and dashed, we shared our stories, we merged our pasts.

We sang our songs, made plans for tomorrow, while the sands fell down, she lessened my sorrow.

But then I’d awoken, still lonely, still broken.

Was it all a dream? Was it all in my mind? Was she just being friendly? Was she just being kind?

Will this ever be over? Will this ever subside? Will things ever be normal? Will she ever be mine?

I don’t know the answers. I don’t have a clue. I can’t start to forget her, no matter what I do.

I just want to move forward, I just want to feel alive. I wonder what life will be like, when I turn forty-five?

Will this all be a memory which we both share together, or will I still be lonely, trying to forget her?

I just need to know, if our love’s going to make it, but today we shared a dream and, so gladly, I’ll take it.